Endurance
I was originally going to call this post Stamina. Once again I have been plugging away at trying to meet all my deadlines, keep all my goals in sight and face down any setbacks with renewed energy and determination, rather than give in to the frustrating defeat that seems to stalk me.
Each time I prepare a new post I start with the title. Once I have an idea of what I’d like to talk about I Google images that come to mind around my proposed theme. When I typed in my usual synonyms this came up for Endurance. It’s a fascinating and inspiring story of an aptly named ship and her courageous, unwaveringly optimistic captain. (Please ignore Dockers’ clap-trap marketing spin on the whole “The Art of Manliness” because the story is well told regardless).
Leadership aside for the moment (we’ll delve into that in another post), how do you face down an endless stream of defeating challenges and still find the resilience to not only continue on, but buoy your spirits enough to pick yourself back up and push forward with renewed hope and optimism? It’s a talent for sure. Remember my fave quote from an earlier post: “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” Thing is, falling on your face hurts. A lot. And ever since we were kids, we’ve learned not to do things that hurt.
So training ourselves to take these risks and do it again after we fail anyways, ends up feeling a little masochistic. When I was a kid, one of the activities my Mom signed my sister and I up for was figure skating. I loved the spins and fancy turns, the choreography and the year-end pageants (I know, big surprise there — LOL!). But when it came time to do any jumping I was terrified. I had a very clear image in my mind of falling on my head and it cracking open like an egg. Even after this very thing happened to my cousin and all she suffered was a mild concussion with the requisite dizziness, vomiting and over night hospital stay — proving that our heads are a might stronger than fragile eggs — I still couldn’t summon the bravery to risk it. So ended that possible career choice. Just as well, I guess.
Yet, strangely enough, I seem to conjure up the courage to toss myself on my head again and again and again, when it comes to taking chances with my creativity. Why is that?
Perhaps the secret here is finding the tipping balance where passion outweighs any lingering fear (or common sense). I believe we enjoy being challenged. Sure the failures are hard to take, but my god, the pay-off when you are successful is a pretty damn sweet feeling. This reward is what keeps us going, drives us forward toward our goals.
It’s what motivates our characters too. Come back Friday, and I’ll take this train of thought to the next station and examine how testing the endurance of our characters makes for some great storytelling.
SPLAT!
So my first two weeks of 2012 have been less than stellar, but as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Still, it’s hard to have all these ambitious goals, only to feel like a safe has been dropped on your head immediately after heading out on your merry little way to accomplish them. Am I aiming too high with my expectations? Perhaps. But I need to feel excited about what I’m setting out to do, it keeps me motivated. My challenge I’ve discovered, is not my desire to attain my goals, it’s in my follow through.
So keeping all my hang-ups in mind, something struck me when I was reading an old article (don’t ask me why I still had such an old issue kicking around–clearly my reading pile needs to be gone through). In it, Horror writer, Lee Thomas, was joking that he has more daddy issues than an Atlantic City stripper, but if he went into them too deeply he could probably just diffuse them, which would end up being bad for his work, so instead he just accepts them for what they are. Maybe I’m getting too hung up on my own issues and should just let them be, rather than trying resolve them? Perhaps the obstacles I create are good for me?
Obstacles are what shape us into who we are becoming — every writer knows this. Without obstacles, there is no conflict and without conflict there is no story. So in order for the story to be good, there has to be safes dropping on our heads and cliffs that are too high and utter failure, because that’s how we learn how to do it better next time. I think my big problem is not the too high expectations, I think it’s my utter dislike of failure. I’d honestly rather not do it at all than risk failure, but then I end up fermenting in my frustrating lack of growth. See the vicious circle I love to trap myself in?
I think Henry Ford really knew what he was talking about, but too many of his quotes apply here, so I think I’ll sum up my failed week with my current favourite quote from an unlikley source: “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” And really, it’s not how you get to your goal, merely that you finally get to it in the end. Right?
New Beginnings
2011 was a tough year for me. Looking back on it from my rearview mirror as I speed away, I’m glad it’s over. What started off way back in optimistic January as a work day equally shared between time spent on my novel and time spent looking for gainful employment, slowly eroded into me juggling so many fill-in-the-gap-jobs that by October my two hours of morning writing on my novel were completely swallowed up by my game of survival — something had to give and I’m sad to say it was my own creative project, once again. Things got so busy in fact, I let my newest venture, this blog, lapse as well.
Admitting this both infuriates me and depresses me. A friend of mine, who I’ve always seen as very successful — hell, he even married his sexy boyfriend this past year — admitted that 2011 was a very tough year for him as well. He seemed to take his challenges in stride though, and dubbed 2011 not only his toughest year, but also the year that taught him the most about himself and through which he learned the most lessons. Well here it is, the end of the first week of the New Year and I’m still trying to figure out how the hell 2011 has benefited me.
The first image that popped into my head is that I feel like Heracles. Never once during 2011 did I succumbed to feeling like Sisyphus. In Greek mythology, Heracles was most famous for the Twelve “Impossible” Labours he was given to complete. Sisyphus, on the other hand was punished by the Gods for believing himself smarter than the immortals and forced to roll a huge boulder up a steep hill. Before he could reach the top, however, the massive stone would always roll back down, forcing him to begin again.
There are certainly days where I feel trapped in an eternity of useless efforts and unending frustration, especially when it comes to finishing and publishing my novel. I’ve been working on some draft form of it or another for over a decade. And yet, each time I’m pushed to the brink of giving up, I rally my strength — what Heracles was noted for — and press on despite the huge boulders rolling my way.
So, what has 2011 taught me? The most notable thing is how hard a worker I am. I’ve always chastised myself with thoughts of being lazy and unproductive, but after the sheer amount of job juggling I did last year, while still managing to meet all my deadlines and squeeze in some personal creativity, I will never buy into those negative thoughts again.
I know without a doubt, deep in my soul, that stories are my passion, my life blood, one of my true loves. I am inspired by the stories told by others, I collect them from everyone I listen to and I continue to strive to see my own shared with an audience of readers.
And finally, the hardest lesson I’ve learned, is how to ask for help from those close to me. Like Heracles I’ve always been determined to go it alone, confident in my personal strength, but even the great god of strength needed help in his Twelve Labours, whereas Sisyphus’ hubris rewarded him an eternity of fruitless work and everlasting defeat.
This early in the New Year, self-doubt still lingers and the scars from last year’s battles still ache, but I hold onto the lion’s share of my passion and continue to push forward.
Jeff Harrison
Jeff Harrison 